Clock's a ticking friends.........
Alrighty then, got everything you need? Comfy? Ready to continue this read about the life's and times, as the parent of teenagers? Ready or not here we go.
I am going to start by quoting something my own Mother can be heard saying to anyone who has teenagers, "If you can get through the teen years, you can get through anything!". I never realized until recently, just exactly what this meant. I could have been standing right beside my Mom, just a few short years ago, as those words flowed from her mouth, into some poor soul's ears and still been oblivious to the true meaning. Great news friends! I am here today to spread the word...teenagers are their own rare breed of human beings and as a friendly reminder (as I am sure I have stated this before: NEVER say, "My kid would NEVER do that!"
Installment Dos
The Queen of Insanity's life was going along status quo: all the baby birds are going to school, going to their extra curricular activities, I am working, the husband is working, life was "going". Then an interesting turn of events brought some real excitement into our lives. Jezebel made a rookie mistake.
Jezebel comes from a good home. She has been taught right from wrong, respect, and all of those important things you teach your children right out of the gate.
Here are some truths about teenagers:
1. They do not believe or truly grasp the fact that you were once a teenager.
2. They do not believe you when you tell them you know exactly how a situation will play out.
3. They act as if they are listening, nod their sweet little heads, while thinking what an idiot you are.
4. They have way more technology than we ever did as kids.
If you can debunk these "truths", you must have saints for children and keep them locked up in a basement or something. My baby birds live in the real world and I do no shelter them.
It was a Saturday evening, after a long day, all my baby birds were tucked into their nests for the evening, my baby daddy had gotten called out to work and I was enjoying some peace and quiet with Discovery ID when I got a text from Jezebel;
"Mom? I am going to church with Ahab in the morning."
Me: "You are? I thought you didn't feel good and are tired?"
Jezebel: "I am tired and I don't feel good but Ahab asked me to go...."
Me: "It's been a long week, can't you just tell Ahab you'll go next Sunday?"
Jezebel: "No. I already told him I was going and I want his Mom to like me!"
Me: "Well, suit yourself! I expect you to come home right after and rest."
Fast forward, it's now Sunday or as I like to call it, "Napday". Jezebel arrives home and as she is walking up the driveway, I yell out to her, "How was church?". She looked frazzled when I asked and guess who was right? Winner Winner - Mom's the Winner! *please pause while I put myself in check* Jezebel comes up on the front porch, sits down at the table across from me, eyes fixed on the concrete and then looks up and says, "I have to tell you something. I did something bad, but not real bad, like kinda bad but not REAL bad!" As I sat there listening to her, my first thought was, "OMG I have watched too much Discovery ID! This child has gone off and buried a body with her friends somewhere and I have provided the education to her, we are both going to the pokey!" Then I realize, she would definitely have called me in to help her - CRISIS AVERTED! For real now, what could she have done? I am snapped back into reality as she proceeds to tell me, "I know it was stupid, I should have known better but I am seventeen and I am going to do stupid stuff.". I immediately knew exactly what she had done, on account of my psychic abilities, and I knew exactly what happened next. *please refer to Truth #4 above* Without going in to great detail, Jezebel used technology, Ahab is not up to par on the technological advances in deletion, Mother Teresa is obviously of relation to Sherlock Holmes and here I am....over here...see me waving??
We could all rush to judgment in this situation but let me remind you; no one is perfect, judge ye lest ye be judged, he who is without sin, may cast the first stone and we all make mistakes; In this instance, Jezebel was correct - She is seventeen and she is going to make stupid mistakes, even ones her mother warned her about. *refer to Truth #3*
Here's the kicker, Mother Teresa
Option One: You and Ahab break up
Option Two: Tell your Dad or you and Ahab break up.
Option Three: Tell your Dad or I will and you and Ahab break up
Anyone seeing a theme there? Pick Me! Pick Me!
It is all becoming very clear to me, Jezebel was hoping going to church would be her saving grace - in her sweet, little, naive mind she believed going to church with them would make everything copacetic. Sorry baby bird, you made a rookie mistake. Attempting to ass kiss a person who threatens to rat you out is not going to be very effective. Not to mention, you obviously missed the memo, we are always going to have your back. Unless you become a thief, drug dealer/addict or anything in that genre...then you are on your own. The car ride to and from church with Mother Teresa, the boyfriend and little brother of Ahab was quite fun for little Jezebel! They played a couple games: "Mother Teresa's 20 Questions About Your Family!" and "Your Parent's Suck At Parenting!"
At our house we would call them "None of your Damn Business" and "WHAT THE H.E. Double Hockey Sticks did you say about OUR Parenting?" Who doesn't love a good game of "Oh No She Di-ent?" Now my blood is boiling. I must inform Baby Daddy of what has transpired...sorry Jezebel, it is very important to Mother Teresa!
I proceeded in to the house, into the room where my baby daddy was watching tv, I am sure not it was nearly as exciting as Discovery ID, but you can't account for a man's weird addiction to sci-fi. Now, Baby Daddy was shocked but not surprised and said, "Why does she want to talk to us?". Dude, I do not know but apparently she is adamant and we are going to comply.
Did I mention it was
I hate to stop right here, but it is getting late and I need to get myself to bed, Quite frankly, you should have expected this....I warned you!
Sincerely,
The Queen of Insanity
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