I Can't Even!

Yup! That's right, I don't even know......it's 1:32am, I went to bed over an hour ago and I followed my usual routine; Go upstairs, brush my teeth, get in bed, play Candy Crush till I can't keep my eyes open anymore, turn it off, close my eyes.  However tonight when I went to bed a curious thing happened - I began to weep.  I was laying there trying to figure out how to do it quietly as to not wake my husband.  At first, the tears just started falling down my face and before I knew it, I had to sniff because my nose started running.  I finally decided it was just best to get up and cry somewhere else.  

Now, I am not typically a crier but apparently my tears needed to flow tonight. Perhaps to give me some sort of emotional release I wasn't mentally allowing myself to have.  The truth of the matter is, I knew I was stressed out and with good reason, but just didn't want to deal with it.  I know you are probably thinking this whole Jezebel, Ahab and Mother Teresa probably just pushed me over the edge but it was a great distraction.  The truth is there has been so much going on since March and I suppose tonight, for some reason, I couldn't hold it in any longer.

At the beginning of March, one evening I was sitting on the couch watching television - probably ID because what else would I be watching?  I was literally just sitting there and all of the sudden I felt something in my mouth.  What the hell?  I'll tell you what the hell - It was a crown from one of my teeth!  The damn thing just popped itself off with no rhyme or reason. The next day I go into the dentist and have it re cemented.  FOUR DAYS later, I am again sitting on the couch, watching what I am sure was ID, eating some popcorn and as I am chewing feel something a little too hard to be popcorn.  The exact opposite tooth from the one I had just had fixed, an old filling fell out.  Well great!  So I call my sister, who by no means could ever be considered compassionate, about the lost filling.  Let me just add here, my sister is a dental assistant and I think it must be like being a lawyer or a cop - people get in trouble and you are the first person they call.  She tells me she will see when I can come in and have it fixed.  The next day she calls me with some optional times, I schedule an appointment and then go to set up appointment.  

The filling I lost was pretty big and I had already sort of made up my mind if they couldn't just replace the filling, I was just going to have it pulled out.  After all, it was my very back molar and I am certainly not going to miss it.  As suspected, they basically said I would need a crown.  I have horrible luck where my teeth are concerned and I knew if I got a crown, it wouldn't be long before I would need a root canal and so I told my dentist, I think I want to have it pulled.  She quickly informed me, if I had it pulled I would also need to have the tooth above it pulled - long story short; she convinced me to let her put in a temporary filling to allow me time to "think" about what I really wanted to do.  A few days later, I called the oral surgeon to schedule the extractions.  Of course, as my luck would have it, they didn't have any appointments for about two weeks and I wanted them out asap.  My sister arranged for me to just have them pulled at her office.

The day arrives, I go in and get some laughing gas (highly recommend), shots and a short while later I am missing two teeth!  I am prone to swelling so they gave me an ice pack to hold to my cheek and I head out the door.  Ready to go home, I get in my car, chomping down on some gauze for the bleeding and have the ice pack on my face.  I get on the freeway and as I am on the on ramp to merge onto the second freeway I must take to get home, I hear this awful squealing that is seemingly coming from behind me.  I look in my rear view mirror and yup, there it is, this car is swerving all over the road and headed straight for my rear end!  I throw the ice pack to the passenger seat and brace myself for the hit that was surely coming....and then I was hit.  I sat there livid, in my car and just sitting there thinking "WHY? Why do I keep getting rear ended?  Why right now?  I JUST had two teeth pulled and here I am sitting on the on ramp hit!".  Grrrrrrrrrrrr!  After I got my wits about me, I called 911 and let them know about the accident.  I then hung up and called my husband, who kindly sent out one of his guys to check on me at the scene because he was stuck on a job.  It wasn't till the officer I knew got there, that I even got out of the car to assess the damage.  My bumper wasn't too bad and I was able to drive my car away but the hitter, yeah her car was not at all driveable.  The officer insisted I go to the ER and get checked out.  He followed me there, walked in with me and there was standing room only.  We went to the desk and were told it would be at least six hours before they would get to me, assuming no serious emergencies came in - NOT WAITING!  I wasn't all that sore at the moment.  Of course the next day, I was pretty sore but I went to work, my shoulder was bothering me pretty bad and after work I went to Urgent Care.  Urgent Care, what a joke but they diagnosed me with a shoulder contusion, whiplash and gave me some stupid rx's that clearly would not help my pain.

Since I was still pretty sore and I clearly wasn't going to get any relief from prescriptions, I gave my chiropractor a call.  I went for about a month which greatly helped my neck and back but did nothing for my shoulder, he sent me to an orthopedic doctor.  I was then sent to have an MRI which showed I have a full tear in my rotator cuff and just my luck - I need surgery to repair or have a lifetime of pain and discomfort.  Mind you, still no pain medicine is given to me!  Take Ibuprofen they say....okay great and since it doesn't really do much of anything for my pain or my stomach lining I am pretty much suffering through it every day, especially at night.  

But wait! There's more.....After about two weeks of having my teeth extracted, I realize the side of my tongue is all torn up and there is something pokey on the inside of my gum.  Yup!  I have a piece of bone fragment sticking out of the bottom of the gum where I had one of the teeth pulled and the same extraction isn't healing as it should.  Go back to the dentist, they manage to get the bone fragment out, I nearly pass out but live, am given an rx for antibiotics and then I remember on the other side where this whole mess started the recemented crown seems sharp in a couple places.  Guess what?  It now needs replaced because somehow it is cracked! 

In the meantime, one of our twins car's exhaust is jacked up and we have to take it the shop for repair....$300 later and it's good to go again.  Back to the dentist for a crown prep, get a temporary crown and a few days later our air conditioner goes out.  At first I didn't realize it because I had worked all day, had texted my older two kids and told them to all be dressed and ready when I got home because we were going shopping for summer clothes.  I walked in the door to change my clothes and said, "Man it's warm in here!" The kids agreed and we left.  By the time we got home it was hotter than Haiti's.  I send my husband a text about the air and he responds back, "Are you sure you or the kids didn't accidentally switch it to heat or off?"  No dear..I didn't already think of that!  I checked the breaker, I checked all kinds of things to no avail.  He gets home in the middle of the night and somehow gets it working, at least temporarily.  Low and behold it stops working again a day later.  

Then on Memorial Day, without air conditioning, we grilled out, Ahab was miraculously allowed over and as we sat at the dinner table eating our yummy steaks, my temporary crown falls the hell out!  COME ON ALREADY!!!!!!!  I. Can't. Even.  I worked all week and really had no time to go get the damn thing reattached - temporarily.  At this point, don't even care about the tooth but I do care about being hot.  We finally find someone on Tuesday to come out and look at the a/c - turns out some wire was all melted inside and some other part, which I can't remember because I don't care other than my house is cool again, at the tune of $309.00.

Thursday, the other twin is driving downtown to drop off her college course books back to the college and on her return the car she drives starts to become louder and louder.  As I walk in the door from work, she begins to tell me how loud it is and I should drive it.  I'll bite.  I get in the car, make it around the block and head back home - her exhaust clearly has issues.  Great! Two days...we made it two days.  Friday I call the auto repair shop to see if they can service her car - not till mid-next week. Well isn't that fantastic?  

Saturday I leave work and head home.  Come in the house, change and prepare to leave for my daughter and I's hair appointments.  I wanted to stop at this yard sale which had a very nice bike I was thinking of buying for one of my girls.  We leave the house and as we are driving around, I go to turn right and my steering wheel will barely turn!  NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!  Somehow I manage to turn it, at the expense of my already sore shoulder, and get back home to switch to the one "good" car.  I run in, grab the keys, start said car and it is almost on E. Now, I have to run and fill up the tank to make it anywhere.......

Sometimes a girl just needs to catch a break.

Sincerely, 

The Queen of Insanity

Installment Tres....I wish I would have gone with Episodes....or Chapters - The Meeting

I am going to go out on a limb here and rather than instructing a cold or hot beverage today, just go grab yourself something from the liquor cabinet!  I'm going to need it to get through this post - Ha! I think I may suffer a little post traumatic stress reliving this meeting with Mother Teresa.

As you may recall, I just wanted to enjoy Napday.  It really is one of my very favorite days of the week.  We get up, Baby Daddy makes a delicious breakfast, which takes a good hour and we consume the fixin's. Clearly this is very tiresome for me, the waiting, the indulging and before you know it, NAPTIME! I generally wake up and do something - productive or not and then most of the time will go ahead and take another nap.  No, this does not effect my ability to sleep at night.  I require lots of sleep - I mean HELLO??? You read my blog.....I need my rest.  Now that we are all clear about my sleep needs, I had told Baby Daddy the dirt, told Jezebel Mother Teresa could come over later in the afternoon and hit the couch.  Ahhhhhhhh so comfy and then "BAM" Jezebel comes to my side and says, "Ahab's Mom wants to come over RIGHT NOW!".  Alright, this has gone way too far already!  FINE!  Tell her to come on over.......Y'all know at this point I am already done!

There it is, the knock on the door. Mother Teresa is standing there, arms crossed, mad as a hornet and poor Ahab, standing sheepishly behind her.  Baby Daddy answered the door, as I was NOT at all happy about the interruption of my pre-imagined sleep cycles for the day.  Baby Daddy opens the door and she follows into the kitchen area of our home.  Ahab takes a slow turn to the right and onto the couch where Jezebel was sitting and waiting for the greatest show on earth!  

I must stop right here and say, I do try my best to not be a judgmental person but I am human and the struggle is real my friends!  I am pretty sure I have mentioned at some point, I had amazing parents. They did the best with my sister, brother and I as they possibly could - we, mostly they, were no walk in the park.  We (THEY-hehehehe) were quite the rebellious creatures and for this, we owe our parents a debt of gratitude for allowing us to live.   Our parents were pretty strict and we were grounded A LOT.  Well, I can really only speak for myself since my brother and sister had moved out of the house by the time I was around 11 years old.  I find it hard to believe our parents changed tactics once they left the nest; but now that I think about it, it does coincide with the onset of my imprisonment.  I can say with the up most confidence, I was grounded, more often than not, from the moment I stepped foot into middle school until about the time I was a junior in high school - What can I say?  I was a slow learner!  Actually, as I grew a bit older, I learned to be way sneaker, more creative with tales about what I was going to be doing or where I was at (Nostalgia here: my best friend SUCKED at her tales) and my personal favorite - layering clothes to hide what I was really wearing.  The skills I acquired from being grounded??? Quite frankly, limitless.  For this reason, when I became a parent, I was determined to be different.  I took all the best parts from my upbringing and instilled them into my baby birds when they were little and as they grew older, I began to try something different - I actually talked to my kids about what life may try to throw at them in middle school, high school, boys, alcohol, drugs and in general, life.  I wanted for them, what I wished I had had as a child, which was parents who weren't afraid if they talked about things, things would happen.  I hold not one ounce of ill will toward my parents, I truly believe this is just how their generation parented.  All of this to say, Mother Teresa reminded me a lot of my parents and at some points in the following conversation you are about to read, I sorta felt like I was arguing with them.  

And so it begins...

Mother Teresa, arms crossed, scowling at us from across the island and then she "I guess we have some talking to do?"

*Just to set the scene:  The island is situated in the middle of the kitchen.  She and I are standing across from one another and Baby Daddy is standing along one of the short sides*

Moi:  "What exactly do you want to talk about" (sarcasm implied)

MT:  "I guess you know what's been going on?"

Moi:  "Sure do!  Jezebel filled me in..."

MT:  "I want to know what WE are going to do about it"

Moi:  "I am not sure what you mean by WE but WE don't think it's that big of a deal"

MT:  "Excuse me?"

Moi:  "Yeah, WE certainly don't condone this behavior on Snapchat from Jezebel! Not sure why "WE" all need to do something"

MT:  "I take this very seriously!  This IS child pornography!"

Moi:  "Whoa...whoa I think that is a bit of a stretch, don't you? *MT is shaking her heard head no* Furthermore, the only way it would possibly be considered child pornography is if YOUR son were to spread it around the Internet!"

MT:  :::Insert The Peanuts Teacher Voice Here::::
*I forget what she said here actually said but I looked to Baby Daddy and this is where the story gets real funny.

B.D:  First of all, the legal age of consent in Ohio is 16!  So they could be having sex all day long and there is NOTHING YOU (he points to her) can do about it, NOTHING SHE (he points to me) can do about it and NOTHING I can do about it! Secondly, it is perfectly legal for any woman to walk around topless in the State of Ohio.

*Let's be clear here, Ahab's Mom did not see ANY picture because it was a conversation she read between them on "Snapchat" so whatever she imagined was in the picture in question, I can not say for sure.  According to my sources; it wasn't even a full Monty shot!  In other words, Jezebel may have been seductive but not like some Hustler centerfold.  *WE* do not really know and quite honestly, if the worst thing she does is send a picture of herself wearing a bra, well alrighty then! Judge if you must but I was doing a lot worse at her age.

At this point I am so fired up, I can't even remember how badly I wanted to take a nap!

MT:  I just do not agree with that and I can't believe that you two are okay with this!  I have taken his phone and all his ability to get on the Internet...wahwahwahwaaaaaa

Moi:  Welp, you know what?  WE don't parent like you!  I see no reason to take her phone because she drives to school, she drives to dance, and we do not snoop through our kids stuff!

MT:  SO you are telling me that you are going to do nothing?

Moi:  I look over at Jezebel and Ahab and say, "Jezebel? Are you completely and totally humiliated right now?"  She replies, "YES!" I think ask, "Are you ever going to do something like this again?" She replies, "Probably not...............to Ahab!"  (Okay, it was just one of those parenting moments where you want to laugh hysterically at your child and beat them to death at the same time)  I turn back to Ahab's Mom and I said, "Well, there ya have it!  I can't think of anything more embarrassing than having everyone know what you did and here we all are having a conversation about it....lesson learned!

At this point she has a stunned look and looks over to Ahab and tells him it's time to go....The boy follows his mother's orders and comes to where she is now standing.  Things got kinda foggy for me at this point and I remember her saying something to the effect of how she does not trust her kids as far as she can throw them and we were naive to trust ours. Oh no she did NOT just question our parenting to our faces!

Baby Daddy, darts around the island and over to where she is standing and says to her, "If YOU do not trust YOUR kids, that is about your parenting not ours!" Again I sort of blacked out to their conversation because Ahab was mouthing to me "I am soooooo sorry" hahahahaha to which I responded loudly, "Don't apologize, this isn't your fault!"

The next thing you know, they are headed out the door and something moved me right behind them and out to my front porch.  As they got into the car I exclaimed, "In the future, if you have an issue with my daughter, you come to me!  Do NOT ever try to parent my daughter for me or question her about what goes on in our home because it is NOT your business!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and off they drove............

This is certainly not where this story ends and there is much more to tell but for now, I bid you farewell.

Sincerely,
The Queen of Insanity

Installment Dos ~ Life Lessons

Today's installment is a little more involved and with this in mind, I would like to offer you a pregnant pause to grab yourself an ice cold or hot beverage, a snack - whatever floats your boat! And go.......

Clock's a ticking friends.........

Alrighty then, got everything you need?  Comfy?  Ready to continue this read about the life's and times, as the parent of teenagers?  Ready or not here we go.

I am going to start by quoting something my own Mother can be heard saying to anyone who has teenagers, "If you can get through the teen years, you can get through anything!".  I never realized until recently, just exactly what this meant. I could have been standing right beside my Mom, just a few short years ago, as those words flowed from her mouth, into some poor soul's ears and still been oblivious to the true meaning. Great news friends!  I am here today to spread the word...teenagers are their own rare breed of human beings and as a friendly reminder (as I am sure I have stated this before: NEVER say, "My kid would NEVER do that!"

Installment Dos

The Queen of Insanity's life was going along status quo: all the baby birds are going to school, going to their extra curricular activities, I am working, the husband is working, life was "going".  Then an interesting turn of events brought some real excitement into our lives.  Jezebel made a rookie mistake.

Jezebel comes from a good home.  She has been taught right from wrong, respect, and all of those important things you teach your children right out of the gate.

Here are some truths about teenagers:

1.  They do not believe or truly grasp the fact that you were once a teenager.
2.  They do not believe you when you tell them you know exactly how a situation will play out.
3.  They act as if they are listening, nod their sweet little heads, while thinking what an idiot you are.
4.  They have way more technology than we ever did as kids.

If you can debunk these "truths", you must have saints for children and keep them locked up in a basement or something.  My baby birds live in the real world and I do no shelter them.

It was a Saturday evening, after a long day, all my baby birds were tucked into their nests for the evening, my baby daddy had gotten called out to work and I was enjoying some peace and quiet with Discovery ID when I got a text from Jezebel;

"Mom? I am going to church with Ahab in the morning."
Me:  "You are? I thought you didn't feel good and are tired?"
Jezebel:  "I am tired and I don't feel good but Ahab asked me to go...."
Me:  "It's been a long week, can't you just tell Ahab you'll go next Sunday?"
Jezebel:  "No.  I already told him I was going and I want his Mom to like me!"
Me:  "Well, suit yourself!  I expect you to come home right after and rest."

Fast forward, it's now Sunday or as I like to call it, "Napday".  Jezebel arrives home and as she is walking up the driveway, I yell out to her, "How was church?".  She looked frazzled when I asked and guess who was right?  Winner Winner - Mom's the Winner!  *please pause while I put myself in check*  Jezebel comes up on the front porch, sits down at the table across from me, eyes fixed on the concrete and then looks up and says, "I have to tell you something.  I did something bad, but not real bad, like kinda bad but not REAL bad!"  As I sat there listening to her, my first thought was, "OMG I have watched too much Discovery ID! This child has gone off and buried a body with her friends somewhere and I have provided the education to her, we are both going to the pokey!"  Then I realize, she would definitely have called me in to help her - CRISIS AVERTED!  For real now, what could she have done?  I am snapped back into reality as she proceeds to tell me, "I know it was stupid, I should have known better but I am seventeen and I am going to do stupid stuff.".  I immediately knew exactly what she had done, on account of my psychic abilities, and I knew exactly what happened next. *please refer to Truth #4 above*  Without going in to great detail, Jezebel used technology,  Ahab is not up to par on the technological advances in deletion, Mother Teresa is obviously of relation to Sherlock Holmes and here I am....over here...see me waving??

We could all rush to judgment in this situation but let me remind you; no one is perfect, judge ye lest ye be judged, he who is without sin, may cast the first stone and we all make mistakes; In this instance, Jezebel was correct - She is seventeen and she is going to make stupid mistakes, even ones her mother warned her about.  *refer to Truth #3*

Here's the kicker, Mother Teresa would like insists on speaking to Baby Daddy and Myself, but mostly, Baby Daddy.  I am not entirely clear on why Mother Teresa thought Baby Daddy was her first and best option but she did.  What I came to understand as I am speaking with Jezebel is this blackmail from Mother Teresa had been going on for a few days.  Mother Teresa gave Jezebel some options, she is kind like that!

Option One:  You and Ahab break up
Option Two:  Tell your Dad or you and Ahab break up.
Option Three:  Tell your Dad or I will and you and Ahab break up

Anyone seeing a theme there? Pick Me! Pick Me!

It is all becoming very clear to me, Jezebel was hoping going to church would be her saving grace - in her sweet, little, naive mind she believed going to church with them would make everything copacetic.  Sorry baby bird, you made a rookie mistake. Attempting to ass kiss a person who threatens to rat you out is not going to be very effective.  Not to mention, you obviously missed the memo, we are always going to have your back.  Unless you become a thief, drug dealer/addict or anything in that genre...then you are on your own.  The car ride to and from church with Mother Teresa, the boyfriend and little brother of Ahab was quite fun for little Jezebel!  They played a couple games: "Mother Teresa's 20 Questions About Your Family!" and "Your Parent's Suck At Parenting!"
At our house we would call them "None of your Damn Business" and "WHAT THE H.E. Double Hockey Sticks did you say about OUR Parenting?" Who doesn't love a good game of "Oh No She Di-ent?"  Now my blood is boiling. I must inform Baby Daddy of what has transpired...sorry Jezebel, it is very important to Mother Teresa!

I proceeded in to the house, into the room where my baby daddy was watching tv, I am sure not it was nearly as exciting as Discovery ID, but you can't account for a man's weird addiction to sci-fi. Now, Baby Daddy was shocked but not surprised and said, "Why does she want to talk to us?".  Dude, I do not know but apparently she is adamant and we are going to comply.

Did I mention it was Sunday Napday? Man I just really, Really, REALLY wanted my nap - TEENAGERS!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to stop right here, but it is getting late and I need to get myself to bed,  Quite frankly, you should have expected this....I warned you!

Sincerely,

The Queen of Insanity



 

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...These are the days of my life with teenagers

I have been contemplating back and forth, back and forth and forth and back about how exactly I would blog this.  You see, one of our baby birds began dating this sweet boy, who'll we'll be calling "Ahab" to protect his identity - you will understand this choice of name as the blog progresses.   Ahab, has what I, The Queen of Insanity, would consider an incredibly zealous and overprotective parent.  It isn't often I find myself at a loss for words, in fact, rarely can I not think of something to say.  Okay, I don't necessarily think I am vklempt, so much as I am completely baffled.  How exactly does one process a real life encounter with someone who can't be reasoned with?  The story you are about to read is going to come in installments.  There is so much, far too much to blog about in one sitting and trust me, as you read each installment, you will understand.

Installment Uno ~ Jezebel and Ahab - Meet The Parents

A couple months or so ago, Jezebel came home from school and told me her best friend was given a phone number or gave her phone number to this cute boy named Ahab.  Jezebel was excited at the prospect of someone new to date.  Now, a rule we have as responsible parents - one or both of us have to meet said suitor.  Ahab came to our house first and met moi', as my baby daddy was off earning a living this particular evening.  Ahab seemed like a nice enough beau, though he was very quiet.  I am NOT quiet and quiet people freak me out! However, it was welcomed in this instance because I wasn't quite over the last breakup. I certainly didn't have it in me to "like" someone else.

*Words of advice:  If at all possible, do not talk to, like, or enjoy the company of any significant other your baby birds bring home - this can and should include any and all friends. Your baby birds will fight with their boy/friends and they will be plucked from your life, just-like-that!   You will have no recourse and any relationship you had with these "friends" must immediately cease.  Had anyone told me years ago I would be a silent victim of my offsprings "relationships gone wrong", I would never have believed it! True story.

Ahab had come here, which meant Jezebel had to go there.  I truly had no concerns about Jezebel going there to meet his Mom (Who will be referred to from here on out as Mother Teresa) and who I thought, at the time, was his step dad but later found out, is actually just her boyfriend.  Now, why would I ever question they would not instantly fall in love with my sweet, funny, kind, talented, beautiful baby bird?????  Sooooooo, whaaaa happened was.....I was wrong!  Mother Teresa didn't like her.  I didn't know this without absolute certainty until about a week later.  But let's face it, they are more than likely not in a lifetime commitment.  Something like a Lifetime Movie trailer YES!  OMG!!! If only you could hear my laughter right now - I don't care who you are, that's funny!  Anyway, Jezebel had the same vibe about Mother Teresa.

This concludes installment uno.

Sincerely,
The Queen of Insanity