Never Ask

Dear Followers,

I think I want to call my followers, my Insanity Court.  How do you feel about that? I believe you could also be referred to as ladies in waiting albeit, I do have a man following me too.  Perhaps, I could refer to ya'll as The Insanity Court and Joker? I don't think he would be offended since he is after all, married to me!  So let's try this again, shall we?

Dear Insanity Court and Joker,

It's important we discuss this important topic today. You may very well think what I am going to discussing is common sense but you would be wrong, I assure you.

Never, NEVER, EVER and in case you didn't catch my meaning NEVER ask yourself, "What's next?" when you are having string of bad luck - My sister and I also refer to this phenomenon as, "The Black Cloud".  Personally, the reference is a great metaphor in our lives, if I do say so myself.  Bad luck hovers, travels, its dark and even sinister.  Anyone care to disagree?  Didn't think so but thought it would be dutiful to check. Up until recently, we (my sister and I) rarely had the black cloud at the same time.  As of late, we have not been so lucky.  However, I will stop right there because this blog is about me, myself and I.

This particular reign of terror began a few weeks ago and it started with the newest member of our clan, DaMira.  Damira, for all of her sweet and loving ways is a holy terror.  Not only is she rotton but she has severe separation anxiety from her handler, the Joker.  The first act of terror was when I went out on our deck for a smoke and closed the screen door behind me.  Mira decided she wanted to come out for a smoke too but evidently waiting for someone to open the screen for her wasn't a option.  On the bright side, we now have a fully accessible doggie door! *My bestie is always looking for a silver lining in times of adversity.  (I am trying)*  While I wasn't so thrilled about the new bug entry to the house, I got over it pretty quickly.  We don't have to have a whole new screen door, just the screen and the Joker can probably handle the task.  A day or two later my husband and I went upstairs to go to bed.  Scott went to get in bed and said, "What the hello kitty?"!  I walked over to see what he was seeing and there it was, a three foot rip in our king size sheets! If you have a king size bed, there is no need to explain the anger I felt at the discovery of my favorite sheets demise. These incidents were followed by an even bigger tragedy.

All the children were on spring break and in an attempt to do something fun with them we stayed at a local hotel.  Did I blog about this already?  I feel like I have or may be it's just still so fresh in my mind!  Anyway, we arranged for our neighbor to let the dogs out in our absence and went on our merry way. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express that had a fun little pool area for the kids to swim, we went to dinner, we swam and swam some more.  The following morning Scott left to work a special duty job while the girls and I got a late check-out and continued the swim fest.  Finally around late afternoon we made the 25 minute trek home.  Upon arrival, I ran into the house to use the lieu and the kids started carrying stuff in.  As I emerged from the restroom, Olivia stood staring at the end of our sectional couch and cried out, "OOOOOOOO MY GOODNESS!  MOM, you are going to be sooooo mad!" I couldn't help but laugh at first because quite frankly, the way she exclaimed was hilarious!  I walked around to where she was and there it was, mad doesn't quite cover it.  I was downright fit to be tied.  In fact, the children knew immediately how ticked I was and let's just say I have NEVER seen them do their chores so quickly and without goading.  DaMira ate the couch!  There was stuffing all over the place and holes of various size ripped here and there.  Mad, yeah, doesn't even cover it-period. And so began my search for a replacement on a zero budget.

But wait, there's more!  I bet you thought that was it but you thought wrong, huh?  About two weeks after the "couch incident" we went out to our land to cut the grass, trees and let the kids ride their four-wheelers.  Mira had to go into her crate in the basement workout room for obvious reasons.  We had a great time at the land.  When we got home Scott sent Abigail to the basement to let her out while he unloaded the truck.  She came back up and said, "Didn't Dad say to let her out of the crate?"  to which I replied, "Why yes he did!"and said, "Well she wasn't in her crate.".  At this point I am totally confused because Torros would have never gotten out of the crate and furthermore, how DID Mira manage this escape?  Mira aka: Houdini, had in fact gotten out of the crate.  She ate, yes ate, a hole in the side and somehow managed to escape through the door. This wasn't without injury to her, she broke off one of her nails and left a trail of blood.  I am sad to report this was not a one time incident with her.  She did it again this past weekend but this time she ate part of Scott's workout bench.  He was not a happy camper.  I, however, felt a sense of justice. Enough about ole Houdini, our calamities extend past her psycho behavior - believe it or not!

Last Thursday, I went to the dispenser to get a cup full of ice for my tall glass of water and much to my dismay, no ice fell into my cup.  Okay, seriously?  Where is the ice?  This can NOT be happening to me.  I want, no need ice in my water, lots of it.  This confused me and so I opened up the door and took out the ice bin.  No ice, for real.  Serious problem here.  I immediately tell Scott and he asks for the manual.  Murphy's law takes hold and the manual is no where to be found.  All hail the Internet! Upon finding the manual online, we carefully follow all the steps; make sure ice bin is fully inserted, reset the ice maker and wait.  Wait we did and the ice has yet to appear my friends.  This is like hell on earth for me.  I need ice in my water!  Please don't suggest ice trays to me, okay?  They sell perfectly good ice cubes prepackaged these days.  Regardless, my children would make using ice cube trays like my trips to the bathroom, going in only to discover there is no toilet paper on the roll!  (That one is for you Amanda Sue Jane!)

Monday, dreaded Monday.  Scott goes downstairs for something and when he comes back up and says to me, "The water heater is leaking".  I don't know what this is supposed to mean to me? My knowledge of water heaters along with other household appliances is limited. Does it mean I can't take a hot shower?  Oh I know, I know!!!  You have to drain it and then we're all good?? No?  I am confused...what does this mean?  For those of you who know as much as me, it needs replaced.  YAY!  Just what I want to spend my non-existent money on - a new water heater!!!  Can I get a WOOT WOOT??? 

Now, just when you think it can't get any worse and you want to ask the question, I implore you, don't do it!  The universe will take it as a challenge and something WILL happen. Something more is always in store for you, right around the corner! It could be hiding in your car, your basement, your kids' backpack, you never know where it is.  So rise up my friends, rise against the Nike motto and Just DON'T do it!

Sincerely,
The Queen of Insanity